Posted on

Today I almost met Tessa Fowler…

I got a hangout request from someone. And it started going wrong almost immediately. But I have a lot of free time…so…
Tessa Fowler                                                                                  Me
Am fine too but not much
(editors note – Tessa speaks better in her films
she must need to be scripted)
What’s the matter?
Because am having some problem right now
What’s up?
I need a card to update my call phone
I don’t know if you can help me out for that
You need a card for a phone? What’s that?
Baby it amazon gift card
You need a new phone?
No I just need to update it that all
It just amazon gift card 50$
Your phone is an Amazon?
Yes baby
Can you try to get it for me baby
A new phone?
Like how do I get it to you baby?
Just card
A baby card? Are you pregnant?
You can buy it at store
No baby
No you can’t buy a baby at a store
It not baby it a card
Right – baby card
This how the card look like
Silly, that’s not a card for a
baby…baby would chew on that!
This what am asking you
And I’m explaining it to you…a baby card
looks like this… 
Baby are you going to get it for me
I will make you happy
look! that one has your name on it!
I will show you my wet pussy
Cat’s don’t like water…That would not make me or the cat happy
Can you or not
Can I….?
Make a cat wet? No, that’s kinda mean.
Go and get the card
Sure. Do you like the one I picked out with
your name on it? where do I send it?
She sent me this picture randomly. She’s not holding a phone.
 This IS Tessa Fowler! Why is she begging for Amazon Gift Cards on Google Hangouts?? And why is she sending me nudes???
Buy the card at Walmart store and sanp it send
it to me
Where do I send it?
On hear
You we sanp it
editors note – at this point I think she’s having a stroke and that explains everything. Should I call LAPD? 911? request
a well check???
I’m afraid I don’t understand.     
I’m finding it hard to concentrate on what
you’re writing…did you solve the cube?
I don’t understand
I mean buy card for me can you buy it
Go to Walmart store tell them you want to buy
amazon card
That all
allright – I’ll go to walmart
and buy you an amazon card…
and send it to…?
Baby alright waiting for you
for me? I’m supposed to deliver the card?
How much we you get for me
where am i bringing it to?
Baby just send it on hangout
Like how you send a picture
but whats the fun of that? I ‘d like to help
you solve that rubiks cube – its bothering me that it’s not done
Baby where are you now ?
At the airport, waiting for you to tell me
where you are!
At home baby
Send me your picture
at the ticket counter, the agent is asking me
where I’m going…
Alright am waiting for you
Apologies to this guy…he was just the first pic that popped up
I’m coming! Where am I flying to?
Okay baby
So baby how much card are you going to get me
1000 if you tell me where to go!
Baby am at home
It MUST be Tessa…she has a photo with clothes on!
 Yes you are. And when you tell me where that
is, I’ll show up with 1000! 
we make a great couple! think of how gorgeous
our babies will be!
Baby it a card ok
yes. card.
Can you get it for me let me know
editors note – convinced that Tessa has had an 
aneurysm or a stroke, I begin to type slowly…
yes. have it now
delivering it to you.
at airport
for you…
Let me see it
to tell me…
where to fly
What is the name of the airport you are
Why? are you going to fly to me?
Let me see how the card look like
Yes if you send me the card
This is clearly paper…right?

Baby where is the receipt
I didn’t have them print one – you have to buy
these, you can’t just walk around with $1000 amazon gift cards.
or…maybe…I stole it for you…to bring to
you …my love
so where am I delivering it to?
Open the card
Scratch the code let me see it my love
but if I do that, you’ll vanish. And I’ll
never see you again!
I need to see you, I want to see you, I have
to see you!
Baby no believe me
Meet to
I may not be the husband you want, but I am
the husband you deserve!
editors note – do not even CONSIDER sending thousands to a woman blindly over the internet, none-the-less marrying a woman, who does not recognize that quote…
That why I ask you to open the card and I come
to wherever you
You are my husband baby priomse you that
I’ll buy you a ticket and you can come to me!
And we’ll be together! forever!
Yes my love
So open the card let me see it
I can’t…can’t bring myself to do it….you
are refusing to see me, to show me how you feel!
Are you going to open it or not
I don’t know…the fear of the unknown, that
you’ll vanish never to be seen or heard from again!
I can’t do that baby
I also wanna be with you and see how serious
Am tired of been lonely
Just scratch the card and I will always make
you happy
okay…I’m trusting you…
editors note – I’m not trusting her, I’m really just getting bored at this point.
OK baby
It’s amazing what you can find on the internet with an image search.
are you ready?
Yes baby
can I get a little more incentive?
Scratch the card…am always here for you
that’s not the kind of incentive I was looking
for. Getting the impression you think this is a joke…
What incentive are you looking baby
If you make me happy now. ..I will always make
you happy in return
You should understand that…I just wanna know
how serious you wanna be with me
I want another picture, that proves your love
and undying affection for me…the same I have for you…
Can I tell you what I want to see? What my
deepest fantasy is?
editors note – This was
going to be my favorite part that would involve barnyard animals, various fruits, a piñata, and a priest and a rabbi. But she didn’t bite. Dammit. And given the films she’s done, it would have been a 50/50 to get the photo.
I will send anything to you after you scratch
the card to me
Uhm…I’m the one holding the $1,000 card
right? I don’t think that leaves you much room to negotiate over this…
editors note – for a brief moment my attorney instinct kicks in, over riding my desire to please this random internet woman. I recover.
Baby are you gonna send it to me not
I think you’re not serious with me
I am…it’s scratched… I have it right
Send it then
the phone is ready to send…but I need…one
OK, I will send 1 more picture to you
This is not the picture she sent. This one is better. It was not Tessa either.
no I need a special picture…sigh…never
mind…you won’t disappear after I send it, right?
Baby send it now
Yes, this is the same one she sent. No need to go back and look.
you get it?
or have you now left me?
Baby send the card
I just did!
That is what I send to you
No, I sent it to you!
are…are you saying we  have the same
number?? That’s destiny!
You are made
Scammer I know you download it on net
#editors note – I laughed out loud for a solid 30 seconds when I read this.
download what? the back of the card? No! that
was what I scratched
Why would I scam the beautiful Tessa Fowler?
And that was the end of the conversation…Tessa left me forever…