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First Kid Looks at Colleges

I’m an idiot. We were all hoping it didn’t translate to my children.

My oldest daughter is getting ready to graduate high school and when we talk about college, she has two requirements.

1. It has to have a beach
2. It has to have a dance program.

She is a tap dancer and is reasonable enough to know that she’s not going to make a good living with tap, but still loves to dance. I like the tap. You see damn few strippers tap dancing, although that would be an interesting club.

There’s really only one college in the United States that is on a beach with a dance program, and that’s UCSB. So I took her out on a tour and she fell in love with the campus. The $60,000 a year college for out of state tuition. For that cost I explained that she would have to move out to California, get a job, get an apartment, establish a life and a new identity.

Or declare that she’s an illegal alien. That’s good for 4 years free tuition. And an interesting diploma and story when she’s applying for jobs. My nickname is “Consuela.”

We did tour California, from LA to San Fran, and looked at other colleges so the opportunity wasn’t wasted. Since this was also a partial vacation, I asked my oldest what she wanted to do when we were out on the left coast. She said beach, and I offered to do a beach tour up to San Francisco.

Side note, I laugh every time I say Pismo Beach. Bugs Bunny immediately comes to mind. And that’s a reference that is, sadly lacking in anyone under 30.

I told her to do some research, look up some land marks, pick something to see.My youngest daughter who is 10, desperately wanted to go to Santa Clarita because her favorite show is Santa Clarita Diet. That says a lot about me as a parent, but not as much as what happened to the oldest.

She proceeded to do no research, look not a damn thing up, and we went out. I made the itinerary. I drove us out to Santa Clarita, which is a bedroom community for LA but serves as a shooting location for about a hundred shows. It also has the Cowboy walk of fame, just in case you’re ever out there and run out of literally everything else to do.

So we head through, and then out the other side to the 110 and as we come over the hill, there, laid out before us, is the largest 6 flags in the United States. More than 20 coasters. The teenage girls in the back start screaming in a pitch that only dogs could hear.

Nope, no time. We have places to be and beaches to see.

Their little faces were pressed against the windows as we are driving past.

Now, keep in mind, we have season passes to 6 flags. It would have cost, literally, nothing to go in. We could have taken an hour, parked, gone in, rode a coaster or two, then gone on our way, without costing a dime. Nope. They didn’t do research, and I’m a dad responsible for teaching life lessons.

The best part is that the highway goes up the enter length of the park, so you can see everything. Then curves around, and you go along the top of it. They got the full tour of a Six Flags while dad made comments from the front seat about “research” and “internet” and “responsibility.” Sadly, at the end of the day, I still have to remind her that happened…

“Oh yea. Six Flags. You suck.” is always the response.